Oh darlin'

"Oh darlin'
Please believe me
I'll never do you no harm
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never leave you
Alone

When you told me
You didn't need me anymore
You know, I nearly broke down
And cried"

Do you ever truly need someone? Sounds romantic, "I can't live without you!" Such exaggeration strokes the ego like no other compliment can. It's like pure power being injected into the bloodstream. When this kind of a relationship begins, you no longer have a separate life from that person. Except maybe in marriage, this just isn't healthy. It's addictive and wonderful. Not only does it give you drive and purpose, but it puts you in control of another person. No wonder women get the bum rap of being manipulative. That's because it's nearly irresistible, and let's face it, men, you're pretty easy to push around. A little swaying of the hips, a few coy smiles here and there, and we've got you wrapped around our little fingers. Piece of cake.

This isn't how it's supposed to work. Women aren't supposed to be bitches. I'll be honest, we are bitches. A lot. But sometimes, guys, it's because you're not manning up. Women are bitchy when they aren't happy. We do it when we want something, or when things don't go our way. This behavior is similar to that of a two-year-old, I know. But some of it can be avoided.

If guys could just step up and lay the foundation for a good relationship, then women wouldn't have to corral you all the time. I don't know exactly when this changed, but it used to be that the man pursued the woman, not the other way around. If a man can lead the relationship in a way that is upstanding, pure, and forward-moving, then the woman can take a more relaxed mode (a much more attractive mode at that).

Guys should be independent, self-sufficient, and successful in their own manner. That way, they have a life and a lifestyle that can suspend them even if there isn't a woman around. The point of woman is to make man's life better. She isn't the essence of his life, but the highlight. We aren't gorgeous for nothing, you know.

So, ladies. Quit bitchin'. It isn't hot. It isn't cute. Take a page out of one of Jane Austen's books and shut the hell up for once. Play the demure card a bit more often. I know your gossip is entertaining and that you have a strong opinion about politics, but, in the end, does that really matter to a guy? You want him to appreciate your feminine qualities, not the ones that equate you with a squawking hen or a two-faced politician. So smile, dig a little deeper, and let our womanly wiles do the rest.

And gentlemen, you have a lot of work on your hands. Not only do you have to carve yourself into something worthy of us fine gentlewomen, but you also have to beat out the competition. You love the game, don't you? This is more lively than football is ever gonna get, honey. So get off the couch and get in on the action. Take your woman dancing. Take the time to read her favorite book and talk to her about it. Find someone who makes you want to be a better person. The relationship should be complementary in this way.

That's all I have to say as of right now. Of course, since I have ovaries, I have probably said more than necessary and bored the testosterone-guided section of my audience to death. Oh well, they might as well get used to it.

Cheers, goodnight :)